Look, I’m not saying Aries, Gemini, or Sagittarius are evil. I’m just saying they’re the human equivalent of a sugar-high toddler on a pogo stick. Aries is too loud; Gemini changes their mind so often, Cancer gets whiplash; and Sagittarius disappears for months to “find themselves” in a Bhutanese monastery. Hard pass for a sign that wants to know where you are at all times.
So, to my fellow Cancerians: find your Taurus for stability, your Scorpio for intensity, your Pisces for whimsy, your Virgo for order, or your Capricorn for a grown-up safe space. But whatever you do, keep the tissues handy, the snacks plentiful, and never—ever—touch the leftovers in the back of the fridge. That’s for your soulmate.
