Here’s what you need to remember: Root beer is legally classified as a soft drink unless it’s marked otherwise. That means if you buy a six-pack from the soda aisle, you’re safe. But if you grab a bottle from the craft beer section at the liquor store—check the label. It might taste like a cozy childhood memory, but it’ll make you act like a college sophomore.
And whatever you do, do not mix hard root beer with ice cream to make a “boozy float.” I tried it once. The alcohol melts the ice cream into a sad, white puddle. You end up drinking a warm, soupy mess while your dignity evaporates faster than the foam. Stick to the tiny cans from the gas station—they’re pure, they’re boring, and they won’t make you cry about your taxes.
Root beer: the only drink that can be both a children’s party favor and a gateway to a nap on the couch. Drink responsibly, ya filthy animal.
