The rooms are what you’d call “aggressively beige.” No, really—the walls, the curtains, the bedspread, and the lampshade are all competing for the title of “Most Neutral.” It’s like sleeping inside a flattened cardboard box, but comfortable. The Hypnos bed is a miracle of engineering: it will make you fall asleep within four minutes, even if you’ve just witnessed a ghost in the corridor (which I haven’t, but the carpet makes it possible).
Surprising fact: the pillows are so plump that if you stack two, they form a small, fluffy giraffe. I’m not kidding. Try it. You’ll make a new friend.
Menu at Premier Inn Newbury Town Centre (London Road) hotel restaurant
The Bathroom: A Tiny Kingdom of Throne
The bathroom is a masterpiece of space optimization. The shower is so powerful it could double as a pressure washer for your neighbour’s drive. And the toilet? It flushes with the force of a small tsunami. Pro tip: don’t drop anything valuable in there—it’s gone forever, probably to a secret Premier Inn reptile farm.
One guest left a review saying the shower “cured their dandruff.” I believe it.
