Do you feel you have unmet sexual needs? Do you feel unsatisfied with your sex life? Are you not getting the sex life you would want? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you may be sexually frustrated. The cause of your sexual frustration can be due to physiological or psychological reasons.
Physical Causes:
Certain medical conditions can lead to sexual problems. For instance, diabetes, heart disease, hormonal imbalances, menopause, neurological diseases, kidney disease, liver failure, alcoholism and drug abuse. Cancer, chemotherapy, pregnancy, and fatigue may also contribute to a woman’s changes in her overall sex health. Furthermore, some medications, such as antidepressants, may cause sexual side effects.
Psychological Causes:
Stress and anxiety can negatively impact sexual performance. Furthermore, depression, guilt, past sexual trauma, being overly concerned about sexual performance, or problems with your relationship may also negatively affect your sex life.
PHYSICAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS CAN CAUSE:
- Decreased Sexual Desire: Women can experience lack of sexual desire and low or no interest in sex due to physical challenges or limitations. Moreover, boredom and lifestyle factors may also hinder the sexual performance of women.
- Lack of Sexual Arousal: Anxiety may prevent women from getting sexually aroused during sex. Insufficient lubrication of the vagina may also be due to inadequate sexual stimulation prior to having intercourse. Also, problems with the vulva, the vagina, and the clitoris may lead to the inability to feel sexually aroused.
- Inability to Orgasm: Known as anorgasmia, this is a lack of orgasm or the inability to reach sexual climax. According to the Mayo Clinic, many women suffer from anorgasmia. Fewer than a third of women consistently reach orgasms during intercourse. There can be many causes to anorgasmia in women. Hormonal changes, medical issues, medications, religious beliefs, marital problems, lack of physical attraction to your sexual partner, among others, may cause anorgasmia.
- Painful Intercourse: Conditions such as endometriosis, ovarian cysts, STDs, the presence of scar tissue, vaginitis , vaginismus, may lead to painful sex, thus causing sexual frustration.
NOT GETTING ENOUGH?
I get frustrated when I don’t have enough sex. —Odilia V., Chicago, IL
Not reaching an orgasm frustrates me, a lot, especially if he reaches it and I’m left hanging. —Keira B., Dallas, TX
Sometimes I feel I lost my mojo. It frustrates me that I don’t want sex as often as I used to. I am not sure if it’s hormones or monotony, but I want to find my mojo again! —Virginia B., Flower Mound, TX
Sexual frustration can also happen when there is a disparity between the sexual needs of both partners. For instance, one sexual partner may think that their sexual life is adequate, while the other may think that their sexual life is lacking. The sexual drive of both partners may not be in sync due to the reasons previously explained or the natural sex drive of each individual within the relationship. Patricia Love, marriage and family therapist and author of Hot Monogamy, says that both men and women can experience sex frustration due to the levels of sexual drive of each partner. The generalized assumption that men want sex more than women is not necessarily true. Moreover, when women want sex more often than men, both men and women may feel embarrassed. Also, the frustration of not getting the sex they want impacts the perception of women about their bodies and attractiveness, according to sex therapist Dr. Louanne Cole Weston.
WHAT TO DO?
- Consult Your Physician: If your sexual frustration comes from medical reasons, your physician can help. If the causes are psychological, your physician may recommend psychological or sexual therapy.
- Communication is Key: Do not keep your partner in the dark. If you need more sexual arousal prior to penetration in order to enjoy a more fulfilling sex life, do not be afraid to speak up. Tell your partner what you need and be open and honest about it.
- Think Positively: If you think you will not enjoy sex, most likely you will not. Change your thoughts and the response of your body may change too.
If you are sexually frustrated, there may be a solution within reach. Do not settle. Sexual enjoyment and fulfillment is your right and your responsibility.
I want to know what you think about this topic. Leave your comments here or, to send private comments, questions, or suggestions for future topics, email dr.tanginika@gmail.com.
Just wondering, I’m single 27 years old and I suppose fairly attractive. I just don’t understand what the hype is about concerning sex. I don’t dislike sex but it really doesn’t matter whether I engage in the activity or not. I’ve ended several relationships due to the fact that I refuse to compete with sexually active women, and if someone I’m dating is free to have sex with whomever he likes I should not have to engage in order to “keep him”. I am never angry but the guy is generally very angry with me. I am definitely not a tease, I believe I’m quite modest and I don’t lead guys on. This anger thing is really turning me off and I find that I prefer not being bothered rather than doing something I don’t want to do. Do I have a problem not caring about sex? Its just not “all that to me” certainly not worth all the aggravation. It wouldn’t bother me if I never had sex again in my life. Is that so strange?
No, I don’t think you are strange. Everyone is different: Some people have higher libido than others, and there are far more people out there (than what the media will have us believe) who are perfectly happy being celibate by choice. I think it makes far more sense than feeling pressurised into having sex when you don’t feel like it. That’s not to say you’ll always feel this way, but whatever happens, the most important thing is that you stay true to yourself. If not having sex makes you happy then who the hell is anyone else to make you feel uncomfortable about that? I think films, tv and magazines have a lot to answer for: Showing so many steamy love scenes and passionate affairs that seem to almost pressure pople into thinking this is the norm. Just do what makes you happy. That’s not strange or a problem unless you yourself feel like you are missing out or perhaps wishing to be different. If it’s just a matter of comparing yourself to others’ sex lives, then stop. This is your life. You live it how you feel it. :)
Your sexual life is what you make it. Your defiinition of a healthy sex life is yours to construct. If you feel happy with your sex life the way it is now, then there is no problem with that. If you are frustrated with your actual sex life, there is always margin to improve. If you decide to stay celibate, that is your choice. As you point out, it may be hard to find guys who are on board with your vision, though. Therefore, be very specific and honest with your dates from the get-go. If you are looking for friendships with no sex involved, then that should be communicated from the very beginning. Whoever does not respect that, then just move on. When you date, guys assume that, if there is chemistry, there will be sex at some point (the first, second, third, n date). If that is not your intent, then communicate it before you go out to avoid confusion. Don’t feel pressured to follow stereotypes. Just be yourself.
I’m 25 and my fiancé and I just started having issues with him being able to get it up.. And also coming too fast. I am to the point where I think about one of my ex boyfriends to even cum. I am frustrated and on top of that we are trying to get pregnant and have been for the last 8 months… And nothing is happening. I really love him but I really don’t want to spen the rest of my life sexually frustrated
Not being rude, but maybe put the baby-making on the back burner for a while? Just until you sort this out, at any rate. You can’t go on feeling like this as it won’t do either of you any good. Furthermore, putting added pressure on your sex life (timing for conception etc.) is often more than enough to put a strain on anyone’s sex life, and the stress could well be counter productive to the process. Try taking the focus off sex and babies for a while. I know it sounds a bit daft, but seriously, just stop having sex for a couple of weeks and pretend you are dating again. Do all the little things like hold hands, cuddle, kiss (even have a little feel!) but refrain from sexual activity. Just get to know eachother again as a couple and don’t put any expectations or pressure on the process until you both feel the moment. Maybe you both just need to relax for a short while. Who knows. Good luck with your relationship (and any baby-making) ;)
Definitely, the more pressure you put yourselves under, the less probabilities of achieving the desired results you will have. Really, the answer to sex questions are usually multi-part, multi-disciplinary and more complex than this space allows. If your partner is having problems with arousal and ejaculation, although most of the causes for those problems tend to be psychological, I always recommend going to your primary care physician to rule out any physiological causes. I recently dealt with a case of a couple undergoing sexual difficulties. The male was suffering from problems with libido, arousal and ejaculation. I recommended a visit to the primary care and, sure enough, there were chronic physiological conditions contributing that were discovered during the doctor’s exam that were affecting his sexual function. I am not saying this is always the case but that should always be the point to start. If no physiological causes are found, then both in the relationship need to turn their focus to the emotional and the psychological aspects of each individual and within the context of the relationship. Ease on the pressure for a while and find time to relax and discover each other without the pressure of conceiving or “performing”. Don’t give it a timeline either. These things take time to get resolved. Once you are more comfortable with each other and your relationship, things may significantly improve and go back to a better “normal” than before. If you have any further questions, you can always write to me to dr.tanginika@gmail.com.
I Feel so sexually frustrated… I been married for over two years now and I haven’t orgasm more than once with my spouse!! I don’t feel aroused most the times, sometimes I just want him to just finish … To some extent I feel that he is selfish when it comes to sex,, he moves directly into intercourse and he always comes quickly even…
I masturbate and I orgasm when am on my own, but it’s not working when am with him,,, What is wrong with me? Or with him? What can I do to fix the situation? We currently live abroad and where we live now there are no sex specialists or consultants or anyone who may help… Please advise
Thanks for stopping by. Write me to dr.tanginika@mail.com. You are not alone. It is estimated that 75% of women cannot reach orgasm with intercourse so don’t feel like an alien. You can, though, change that. Both you and your husband need to get intune and make sure both are getting full enjoyment with the experience. Telling him can be a good start!
I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 2 years now, we very rarely have sex… Maybe every 2-4 months. We’ve talked about it and I’ve asked her if there’s anything wrong and she just told me that nothing’s wrong and that she just doesn’t feel very sexually active. I really don’t know what to do or say or even if it’s something I’ve done.
I am a man, 28 years old and I haven’t had a sexual partner for almost a year but I still have sexual urges that need to be satisfied and I try very hard not to masturbate because I believe that I shouldn’t masturbate but I constantly have wet dreams I consider Myself good looking but women don’t so what can I do to stop feeling exited all the time???
23 years into marriage and still fighting this pattern. My wife actively wants sex maybe once a month if I haven’t done anything to piss her off, and will have sex with me with some light hearted self promotion perhaps 3 to 4 times a month. When we do have sex she enjoys herself completely and has 3 to 6 orgasms every time – in fact I think she enjoys it much more than I do. Meanwhile I am ‘on’ nearly all the time all day everyday unless very sick.
To top it off I am staying fit and put a lot of effort into pleasuring her when we do have sex, and she has let herself go and basically lies there after I wrestle off her comfy but unsexy track suit pant pajamas to gain access.
To make matters worse I think I am fairly attractive and women flirt with me quite a bit (which I enjoy), but I have a family that I am devoted to and don’t want to be a cheat.
I don’t know it it will ever really change – we have been through 2 years of marriage counselling where all that happened was my wife talking about how hurt she felt because I developed a crush on this other woman that I didn’t act on. We separated then but got back together.
The thing is – I do love her and she is a a very honest and kind person – except in this area. Giving up on the whole thing has helped us have a halfway decent time together but I am still crawling out of my skin but can’t admit it because the sex frequency totally evaporates and things get tense.
Any ideas?
Nice, succint article, but you left out a key demographic that is all too often overlooked on the subject of sexual health. What if, despite your best efforts, some of us cannot find a sexual partner altogether?
What kind of consequences arise from a non-existent relationship to sex due to the absence of a partner?
Living a life of solitude, void of human physical contact, doesnt seem like a life at all.
I feel frustrated because I haven’t had a g/f in four years. my first g/f before that was for two months. I’m thirty-two years old now fresh into my graduate studies. I feel that i’ve been successful academically speaking, however, I just don’t seem to attract women. I can only assume that it would be wrong of me to put the blame on them not showing me any interest. I’ve searched many questions online on many different topics and i just get more frustrated and depressed. I just went to the clinic the other day to ask to be put on some kind of medication to lower my sexual urges. I figure if I can eliminate the urge, i won’t be bothered by being interested and or aroused.
Thanks for listening.
I am 23, and I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for almost 4 years now, we’re both virgins. I love her and I intend to marry her.
I feel the need to be physically intimate with her (which, but of course, is very natural), whereas she is not interested, even for a make out. (It’s been almost 8 months when we last made out.) I feel really very frustrated. We talked it out, yes, and found out that we just have very different physical needs. She does not feel the need to have sex right now, however, she understands that I might have urges, and encourages me to do it with a prostitute. She tells me that she’s cool about it. However, I hate the idea of paying for sex.
As evil as I may sound, I have thought about doing it with a friend of mine, who has the hots for me (I am an attractive guy, and I know it.) We even made a date of it at her place last week, but I ended up cancelling because of all the guilt involved. I really love my girl, but I am tired of being sexually inactive.
Please advise.
I am a 31 year old single mom. I have started feel quite sexually frustrated recently because of lack of sex I suppose. I haven’t had sex in over a year and its starting to become quote painful. I have stopped dating after I got pregnant with my last baby in February of 2012. I have friends with benefits but they have been flaking out on me. I prefer not to date because of my past experiences with boyfriends but still feel like I should have atleast one night a year to relieve my frustration. I don’t sleep around and I can go long periods without it but its starting to get unbearable. Toys don’t work for me and plain masterbation seems too icky…. lol Sorry. How can I relieve atleast this pain?