Mami and my stepfather are arguing more often. I hear their spats from my bedroom and want to hide in my closet, shrinking in a corner like a 7-year-old that is scared of The Boogie Man. I hate conflict. I can’t stand the yelling and the slamming of doors.
It reminds me too much of my childhood.
Mami and Papi also argued. Sometimes violently. Broken dishes. Speakers out of a four-story window to land on the concrete below. Their arguing was almost always fueled by my father’s drinking and philandering ways. I often wonder if the abuse was ever physical. If he ever hit Mami. If Papi did, she managed to shield the bruises. Or maybe I’ve chosen to forget.
Now, my stepfather drinks. He drinks daily. He drinks to get drunk, obliterated. I wonder what he’s trying to escape or numb. He blacks out and doesn’t remember his obnoxious behavior. How he walked into the kitchen while I was in the bathroom and ate the slice of pizza I had just purchased. How he fell in the bathtub. How Mami slipped, and he walked past her instead of helping her up. Now, he is leaving Mami. In a few months, he is moving to the Dominican Republic. He will live in his dream home that he built from scratch. Mami refuses to go. She won’t leave her children and granddaughter in New York. He is leaving, and I feel relieved. I want him to leave.
Seeing Mami repeating this cycle is draining me emotionally.
I hear them battle, and I hold back my tears. I see his blood shot eyes and want to scream, though I hate screaming. At noon, I watch as he sips vodka from his green cup. Every day, I feel trapped. I want to shake her and ask, Why do you take this? But it won’t help. Though I want to run away and take Mami wherever I go, her life is hers, and my life is mine. I have decided to move out on April 1st, a couple of weeks shy of my 34th birthday, but I am still struggling with my guilt. I just hope I don’t repeat her cycle of domestic abuse, if only to have a shot at happiness.
You need to see a therapist. You’re 34 years old, and you should have your own life by now. Instead you’re stuck in somebody else’s sad drama. Your mother is a grown up, and that’s the life she chose for herself. You sound like a very passive person when you say that you hope you don’t repeat the cycle of violence. You have the power to make that choice, but you don’t seem to realize it. Seek therapy ASAP. Good luck.
I think it took great courage for the writer to write about her experience. She doesn’t need a therapist. Writing is her therapy. And she sure doesn’t need criticism. I say, she won’t have trouble with domestic violence just because she’s written it all down and she’s identified it in front of millions. It’s very hard to show everyone the truth of things, and then go on to repeat the cycle. Getting it out there and talking about it will only help her.
Thanks so much for your comment. It was difficult to write and I could only imagine the backlash I will receive from family members who do read this post. Writing is very therapeutic and I feel confident I will not repeat the cycle. Thanks again!
Thank you for your comment and reading my post!
I think this post will give other women the courage to move forward with healthier thinking and choices. It is utterly/emotionally challenging to relocate from an abused mother that you yourself want to rescue. It sounds like you view her as a very worthy, loyal parent to her kids and granddaughter. Life consumes us with circumstances for which I believe we all need to build our faith and the strongest connection with God (our healer and miracle worker) that we possibly can. Seeking therapy is a good choice for some and not for others. It is your journey, your choice. But anyone who blurts out “you need therapy,” sounds like a candidate for some therapeutic assistance as well. God is patient beyond our understanding and blesses each one’s path.
I know I was blunt, but a 34 year old woman still living at home hoping that she won’t repeat her mother’s mistakes–as if it’s an issue of fate and out of her hands– is a candidate for therapy. My suggestion was not meant as an insult. There is nothing wrong with talking to an educated person who can give her the tools to change.